There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary numbers and those that don’t.
There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
There are 3 kinds of people in the world: 50% understand percentages, and 50% don’t.
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. “Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer...
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage... The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
A question from the audience to a neuroscientist during a recent conference: “Could we have your thoughts on telepathy?”
A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: “One dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that...”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.”
Your momma is so mean…
she has no standard deviation.
An apparently true story took place just outside of Munich many years ago. Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replied, “No, but I know where I am.”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? … …
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, and says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person.
“They have multiplied,” said the biologist.
“Oh no, an error in measurement,” the physicist sighed.
“If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again,” the mathematician concluded.
Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?
A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”
A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I am obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.’’
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer went to the horse races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer said, “I don’t understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run...”
The physicist interrupted him: “...but you didn’t take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning...”
“...so if you’re so smart why are you broke?” asked the engineer. But before the argument could escalate, the mathematician took out his pipe and they got a glimpse of his wallet stuffed with winnings. Obviously here was a man who knew something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
“Well,” he said, “first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical...”
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says, “Yes!”
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds on the speakers’ circuit, he usually found himself longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speech making.
“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? (H2O)3
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.”
The second says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” Then he dies.
Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad and theology makes them sinful. (Martin Luther)
What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.
This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humor from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
Why do Engineers confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A programmer’s wife asks him, “Could you please stop by the store and buy a loaf of bread? And if they have eggs, buy a dozen.” He comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
All jokes shamelessly lifted from the Internet.